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| i'm fine = f^cked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional has 22 Friends |
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Category: Health 12 People in progress, 2 People achieved this |
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Latest Surgery Support Comments
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Dear Amanda,
It's so close now! I
hope you're as
anxious and
optimistic as I am!
I wish you a
complication-free
surgery and a
speed-of-light
recovery. You're in
my thoughts and
prayers. See you on
the loser's bench.
xoxo,
robin
P.S. don't let the
turkeys at work
drive you TOO crazy!
LOL
 Comment by Cira S. on 11/25/06 9:28 pm
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Best of luck on your
surgery! I hope your
recovery is swift
and uneventful!
Click here for the surgery support page
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if you have something to say to me on September 9, 2008 7:57 am
then just say it goddamn it! don't fucking go behind my back and run your trap! there's nothing i hate more in this world than lying, backstabbing bitches!!! (well, except maybe cheaters, child molesters/abusers and animal abusers... oh, and taxes. yeah, definitely HATE taxes too.)
1 comment | Click here to leave a comment.
one update and then i'm going into lurkdom ~ so please don't wo on September 3, 2008 9:30 am
and i won't be responding to the posts in this thread either, just so's you know. it's too hard right now. i'm here though. i'm reading. and i love every last one of y'all.
i came into work today filled with complete and utter dread. i dread the daylight, i dread the nighttime, i dread the people, i dread the work... i dread LIVING LIFE right now. it's very hard to "be me" but i'm trying. honestly, i'm trying. idk how on earth i'm not dehydrated from all the tears i've shed. it seems that i cry almost constantly nowadays and most of the time i don't even know WHY. (there's just so many reasons, kwim?)
i posted a thread yesterday that i'm sure scared the living sh!t out of most of y'all and i sincerely apologize. but it was the truth. it's *MY* truth. for now anyway. i come here and i bare my soul to you because i love you and i don't want for you to go through what i'm going through. i'm not quite sure how to prevent that but i'm hoping that by sharing my story and my experiences that maybe, just maybe, i can help at least one person. (it's worked in the past so maybe it'll work this time too...)
anyway, here's the deal. i read everyone's responses to my previous threads and i appreciate the compassion and the love that y'all have shown me. (even, and maybe especially, the "tough love"  ) i appreciate the resources that y'all have sought out on my behalf and i WILL be contacting these agencies. i WILL!
but for now, this is the plan: right now, today, in this moment, i'm trying to resist taking anything. i HAVE to take SOMETHING though because if i don't, i'll have a seizure. (i've had grand mal's in the past from medication withdrawals so this has to be handled very delicately.) yesterday morning i took 4 before i even got to work. so today, i cut that back to 2. (i know, i know. some of y'all think i'm "oversharing" or whatever but really, if we don't talk about this then it'll happen to somebody else ~ maybe even to YOU!)
this medication is supposed to be taken every 4 hours. so my plan is to wait it out FIVE hours before taking any more. (or AT LEAST four...) i took 14 yesterday i *think* (who the he!! knows anymore???) and i plan on only taking 6 today. (like i said, i HAVE to take them. i HAVE to ween down because i'll have a seizure if i just quit cold turkey.)
i'm going to try to stick with just 6 today and 4-6 tomorrow and go down from there. i will be staying with renee this weekend and she will have complete control over my medication and will administer them to me on a schedule and will help me to ween down even further so that by monday i can hopefully be clean, or at least a lot closer to being clean than i am right now.
and from there? idk. i'm going to talk to renee some more and see what she can help me to come up with so that i don't relapse or anything. i need help. i need support. i need guidance. but most of all... i need friends. i need people in my life that truly care about me and that truly want to help me. i don't like being like this. i've always been a very strong individual and being addicted ~ to ANYTHING!... being dependant on that crutch is just sucking my soul out. it hurts. it really does.
but y'all know me. y'all know that i am a survivor and that i WILL get through this! somehow, someway... things will work out in my favor and I WILL BEAT THIS!!! i beat the laxative addiction and i'll beat this one too. i have a reputation to live up to for y'all and i can't do that if i'm an addict. i can't help anyone else if i can't even help myself. **sigh** so... maybe this isn't so bad afterall. right? maybe this will turn out to be a learning experience and another way that i can help others in the future. that's how i choose to look at it anyway.
so, this isn't goodbye. i'm just going to try to be on "pause" for a little while. but i'm still here. and as i said above, i'm still reading. and i love all of y'all. thank you so very much for everything that y'all have done for me, today... yesterday... last week... last month... last year... forever. it really means so much to me and i hope that y'all can understand and appreciate where i'm coming from.
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transfer addictions ~ how do i save myself before i o.d.?? plea on September 2, 2008 12:27 pm
**sigh** ok, idk if you guys remember or not but earlier this year i had problems with laxatives (dulcolax, specifically) and in the fall of last year (and the summer and spring too i think) i had an addiction to chocolate ex-lax, although i didn't dare admit to that one. well now it seems that i'm addicted to pain pills, nausea suppositories, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills and pain/nausea shots for migraines. (<--some of the migraines are for real, some are not.)
for example: sunday i took (at least) 18 phrenalins which is butilbital + tylenol. and for no reason too except that i hurt ~ inside ~ a LOT! my job is potentially going down the toilet, my girlfriend just left me, i just moved and have a hernia from doing it all by myself, my finances are all gone to sh!t and idk what to do with myself anymore since i can't eat my feelings and since i don't KNOW anyone. seriously, i have NO friends irl. NONE! and yesterday i only (*ONLY!*) took 6 of these but today i've already taken 10 (and it's still early yet...)
i WANT to be okay, i WANT to be healthy ~ and i know what you're going to say "get thee to a therapist... PRONTO!!!" but i can't. my insurance doesn't cover any mental health stuff and i can't afford it on my own and i (currently) make too much money to get on a sliding fee scale.
so... what to do??? please help me. i can't die. i just can't. my daughter would go to my ex who DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HER CORRECT NAME!!!! and that would be the worst thing in the world 
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wow, i would have NEVER done this 19 months ago!!!! on June 30, 2008 9:51 am
they were having a luau saturday evening at point mallard (our local water park, home of the very first wave pool, http://www.pointmallardpark.com/waterpark/index.shtml in case anyone's interested in checking it out...) and they had a "best dressed guest" contest that kensie and i participated in. kensie got 2nd place in her age group and i got 3rd place in my age group (woohoo!!!) even though we were wearing nearly the EXACT same thing, lols!! (please forgive me... some of these may be duplicates, lols... sorry...)
so yeah, this is something that i would have NEVER done 19 months ago. i wouldn't have been caught DEAD at point mallard even in a full body suit!! but check this out... here i am posing for pics in front of a crowd of people with my daughter and COMPETING in a SWIMSUIT COMPETITION of sorts!!! loose skin and all 
oh and following the "best dressed guest" pics are some pics that katie took of me last night out by our pool in my different bathing suits just because i wanted to see what they looked like, lols. can you believe this?? 19 months out from lap rny, down 150 pounds and NO PLASTICS!!!! (yeah, i NEED plastics lols but i haven't had any and i probably won't be getting any either  )
2 comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Archive
My Story                                     
 
 
Broken Things ~ David Byrne
There are broken things
In my house
Some are twisted
Some are cracked
Some been bended
Till they snapped
There are broken
Things in here
Things in pieces
Things in knots
Things that crumble
In tiny parts
I am fixing broken things
I am fixing broken things
Everyone could use some help
Will you help me fix myself?
I am fixing broken things
Things are mended
Things are glued
I have done
Best I can do
I am fixing broken things
Everyone could use some help
Will you help me fix myself?
See how easy - things can break?
If it's crooked,
Make it straight
Do you love me?
I can't tell
Pick up pieces
And make me well
In this house of broken things
Everyone could use some help
Will you help me fix myself?
I am fixing broken things
Everybody celebrate
Now I got my business straight
Beautiful Disaster ~ 311
Today seems like a good day
to burn a bridge or two
the one with my old wood creaking
that would burn away right on cue
I try to be not like that
'cuz some people really suck
some people need to get the axing
chalk it up to bad luck
I know a drugstore cowgirl
so afraid of getting bored
she's always running from something
so many things ignored
I might do that stuff if
it didn't make me feel like shit
I'm on some old reality tip
so many trips in it
Beautiful disaster
flyin' down the street again
I tried to keep up
you wore me out and left me ate up
now I wish you all the luck
you're a butterfly in the wind without a care
a pretty train crash to me and I can't care
I do I don't whatever
I know a drugstore cowgirl
so afraid of getting bored
she's always running from something
so many things ignored
I try to be not like this
but I thought it'd make a good song
there's nothing to see shows over
people just move along
Beautiful disaster
flyin' down the street again
I tried to keep up
you wore me out and left me ate up
now I wish you all the luck
you're a butterfly in the wind without a care
a pretty train crash to me and I can't care
I do I don't whatever
Angry Chair ~ Alice In Chains
Sitting on an angry chair
Angry walls that steal the air
Stomach hurts and I don't care
What do I see across the way
See myself molded in clay
Stares at me, yeah I'm afraid
Changing the shape of his face
Candles red I have a pair
Shadows dancing everywhere
Burning on the angry chair
Little boy made a mistake
Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees, time to pray, boy
I don't mind, yeah
I don't mind, i-i-i
I don't mind, yeah,
I don't mind, i-i-i
Lost my mind, yeah
But I don't mind, i-i-i
Can't find it anywhere
I don't mind
Corporate prison, we stay
I'm a dull boy, work all day
So I'm strung out anyway
Loneliness is not a phase
Field of pain is where I graze
Serenity is far away
Saw my reflection and cried
So little hope that I died
Feed me your lies, open wide
Weight of my heart, not the size
Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees time to pray
Blasphemous Rumours ~ Depeche Mode
Girl of sixteen, whole life ahead of her
Slashed her wrists, bored with life
Didn't succeed, thank the lord
For small mercies
Fighting back the tears, mother reads the note again
Sixteen candles burn in her mind
She takes the blame, it's always the same
She goes down on her knees and prays
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing
Girl of eighteen, fell in love with everything
Found new life in jesus Christ
Hit by a car, ended up
On a life support machine
Summers day, as she passed away
Birds were singing in the summer sky
Then came the rain, and once again
A tear fell from her mothers eye
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing
Such A Little Thing Makes Such A Big Difference ~ Morrissey
Such a little thing
such a little thing
but the difference it made was grave
there you go
wielding a bicycle chain
oh why won't you change
change and be nicer?
such a little thing
a gentle tone of kindness
or written words on paper
- can you write?
How I love all of
the very simple things of life
(God's good air)
how I love all of
the very simple things of life
such a little thing
a fumbling politeness
the difference it saved me
wielding a bicycle chain
"I WILL NOT CHANGE
AND I WILL NOT BE NICE"
Most people keep their brains
between your legs
(don't you find?)
Leave me alone - I was only singing
leave me alone because
I was only singing
leave me alone - I was only singing
leave me alone you have just proved (again)
MOST PEOPLE KEEP THEIR BRAINS
BETWEEN THEIR LEGS
Meet Ze Monsta ~ PJ Harvey
See it coming
At my head
I'm not running
I'm not scared
Big black monsoon
Take me with you
I'm not jerking
I won't hide
Yeah, I'm ready
Meet ze monsta tonight
Big black monsoon
Take me with you ... Ow!
What a monsta
What a night
What a lover
What a fight
Big black monsoon
Take me with you
Yeah it's coming
Out of this world
Yeah, I'm lucky
Lucky girl
Hell ain't half full
Take me with you
Big black monsoon
Take me with you
And She Was ~ Talking Heads
And she was lying in the grass
And she could hear the highway breathing
And she could see a nearby factory
She's making sure she is not dreaming
See the lights of a neighbors house
Now she's starting to rise
Take a minute to concentrate
And she opens up her eyes
The world was moving and she was right there with it (and she was)
The world was moving she was floating above it (and she was) and she was
And she was drifting through the backyard
And she was taking off her dress
And she was moving very slowly
Rising up above the earth
Moving into the universe
Drifting this way and that
Not touching ground at all
Up above the yard
Chorus
She was glad about it... no doubt about it
She isn't sure where she's gone
No time to think about what to tell them
No time to think about what she's done
And she was
And she was looking at herself
And things were looking like a movie
She had a pleasant elevation
She's moving out in all directions
Chorus
Joining the world of missing persons (and she was)
Missing enough to feel alright (and she was)
Little Girl Blue ~ Janis Joplin
Sit there, hmm, count your fingers.
What else, what else can you do?
Oh and i know how you feel,
I know you feel that you're through.
But go on sit right back down, go on and count,
Count your fingers,
My unhappy, my unlucky, oh my little, little girl blue.
Sit there, go on and count those raindrops
Oh, feel 'em falling down, all around you.
And all you ever had to count on,
All you ever gonna have to lean on
All you ever gonna need, dear, i wanna tell you right now
It's gonna feel just like those raindrops do
When they're falling down, honey, all around, all around you, yeah.
Sit there, go on, go on
And count your fingers.
I don't know what else, what else
Have you got to do.
Honey and i know how you feel,
And i know you feel that you're through.
Oh honey, go on and sit right back down,
I want you to count, count your fingers,
'cause you're my unhappy, you're my unlucky
You're my little, little girl blue.
Honey i know you are lonely,
Ooh, honey i know how you feel,
Honey i know how you feel, it's over
Honey i know just how you feel,
I said i swear i do,
Honey i swear, honey now now now now now,
Lord, now now now now now, just, honey just
Just how you feel.
Walk Over Me ~ Dirtie Blonde
Are you for real?
Are you yessing me to death?
You get my humor
And baby, I'm amazed
Yeah, this must be my day
You're too good lookin'
There must be something wrong
I'm sure you're taken
I'm doing it again
But I don't want to screw myself
'Cause you're a little bit too nice
I look a little bit like hell
'Cause I'm a little overtired
And I'm a little overwhelmed
And you're a little bit too late
And it's a little bit too soon
And I'm a little bit too strange
For somebody like you
Walk over me
So far, so good
You proved me wrong again
But I'm not certain
So can we fill the space
With this awkward silence?
Chorus
Walk over me
Chorus
Oh, it feels a little bit too right
So I know it must be wrong
I wanna take you home tonight
But I'm trying to be strong
Oh, you know a little bit too much
And it's a little bit too fast
I don't have the best of luck
With making these things last
Oh, I'm just a little like my mom
I barely get a wink of sleep
And I will never lie to you
And your secrets I will keep
Oh, you're just a little bit like me
Think you're a little bit too smart
I'm a little weary
So please don't break my heart
Walk over me
Walk over me
Walk over me
I Get Knocked Down ~ Chumbawumba
We'll be singing
When we're winning
We'll be singing
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
Pissing the night away
Pissing the night away
He drinks a whisky drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
He drinks a cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him
Of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him
Of the better times:
"Oh Danny Boy
Danny Boy
Danny Boy..."
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
Pissing the night away
Pissing the night away
He drinks a whisky drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
He drinks a cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him
Of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him
Of the better times:
"Don't cry for me
Next door neighbour..."
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
We'll be singing
When we're winning
We'll be singing
What I Am ~ Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians
I'm not aware of too many things,
I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box.
Religion is the smile on a dog.
I'm not aware of too many things,
I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep.
What I am is what I am.
Are you what you are - or what?
I'm not aware of too many things,
I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks.
Religion is a light in the fog.
I'm not aware of too many things,
I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep.
What I am is what I am.
Are you what you are - or what?
Don't let me get too deep.
Numb ~ Portishead
Unable so lost
I can't find my way
Been searching, but I have never seen
A turning, a turning from deceit
Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
I can't understand myself anymore
But I'm still feeling lonely
Feeling so unholy
Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
But this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone
I'm fooling somebody
A faithless path to roam
Deceiving to breathe this secretly
This silence, a silence I can't bear
Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
And this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone
And this loneliness,
It just won't leave me alone, ohh no
A lady of war
A lady of war
Born On The Wrong Planet ~ String Cheese Incident
Did you ever get the feelin' that you're out there all alone,
No one else can hear you, no one answers when you phone,
You're worried 'cause you can't remember the Name of the girl that you just met,
Might must be you're born on the wrong planet.
No, I don't think that it could be somethin' that you ate
'cause I just had the same thing too and man I sure feel great
Now don't you worry, it's not something that you should regret
Thing is you were born on the wrong planet.
Now I must admit I've felt that way once or twice before,
When I can't think of what to say as I'm walking towards the door.
For this strange feeling I have I cannot find a cure.
I guess I was just born on the wrong planet.
Second Skin ~ Widespread Panic
This is the season
These are the waking days
Throw off your wet sheets
Step into the Soft Parade
Hollowed and glisten
Like sweat on a moving train
Baby, listen
We're about to be born again
Come down
This is your second skin
Surround
This is your second skin
This is the love inside
These are your fears you hide away
Maybe it's a burden
Or maybe it's nature's gift
The stretch and the burn
All the colors you're working with
This is a cleaning
These are the shapes we've taken in
Real life our dreaming
This is our second skin
Come down
This is your second skin
Surround
This is your second skin
This is the love inside
These are your fears and pride today
This is just another story
Whisper the walk you walk
Magic and glory
This is just flesh from talk
This is a moment
This is the time to choose
This is your hour
Nothing but skin to lose
Come down
This is your second skin
Surround
This is your second skin
This is the love inside
These are your fears you hide away
Come down
This is your second skin
Surround
This is your second skin
This is the love inside
These are your fears and pride today
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