My body is weird.  Yesterday I woke up and decided to weigh in.  Why not?  It said 180 the other day.  Yesterday it was 177.  Today it was 176.  So I'm back to where I was.  And what did I do differently?  Now a whole heck of a lot.  I sort of went back to basics and got some protein powder (Muscle Milk).  I also found some very yummy chocolate milk with only 3g of sugar (Hood Calorie Countdown Milk).  It makes a thick, delicious milkshake-y concoction that I can tolerate (added some flavor syrup to change it up, mint, cherry, coffee, etc).  I limited myself to one carby item per day (I was eating entirely too many servings per day).  And I believe I was somewhat dehydrated.  So I probably lost 3lbs of water.  I still need to work on my routine and watch it. 

No, I still havent started the 5dpt.  *sigh*  I'm a frickin loser.  Today started out fine but I dunno, I kind of crashed after 2pm or so.  I think my 3 year old (who asks 20 thousand questions) wears me down by the middle of the day.  He's a good kid, really, but I am NOT a talker so after having to answer everything 50 times, repeatedly, over and over, I am pretty much DONE for the day.  I feel like ass.  Not physically, just mentally.  I want (need) new pics but I can't force myself into action to get prettied-up.  I hate my hair now.  I wish I'd never cut it.  I am bored with it.  That happens to me a lot.

Okay, I'm just having a pity party.  I am gaining weight, I think.  I'm a bit depressed about that.  There is someone on OH who is only on her 7th month post-op who has already met and exceeded goal and who has already had plastics.  Must be frickin nice.  To be fair, I believe she started with a much lower BMI than I (mine was about 43, 40 on day of surgery).  But still.  My boobs (which have always been a source of pride for me) look like a damn sharpei puppy now.  There is no cleavage.  I had thought Victoria's Secret would save me but no.  The nasty wrinkly skin just slides to the middle and pools over the bra giving me quadra-boob.  Make that wrinkly quadra-boob.  *sigh*  A pushup does no good if the only thing you're pushing up is a deflated grapefruit in a tube sock.

I need to end this, lol.  I don't like whining.  I just don't know how else to "get it all out" so that maybe I can move on.

De agony of defeat.  Okay, it's not "defeat", proper, just a sort of "well, I might as well."  When I was newly post op, I thought the 5 day pouch test (5dpt) was a joke, just another "diet", another fad, another gimmick.  Why would I need such a thing if I just followed "the rules"?!

Well, 9 months later, I admit failure (to a degree).  I suck at following the rules.  I have not fully exorcised my food demons.  I am in yet another stall and it's entirely my doing.  My diet is not ideal.  My exercise is non-existant.  No longer can I eat a few fries and still lose 3lbs a week.

What's a girl to do?  I'm nowhere near goal.  It's too soon to give up.  I only have three more months until 1 year post-op.  Although I am happy at the size I am, I am not ready to stop losing yet.

I don't want to have to worry about what I eat for the rest of my life.  That's part of why I had surgery.  To lose the weight in the first place and have a built-in forgiveness when I have something not-so-good for me on occasion.  But I have to do something.

So I'm going to give it a shot.  If I lose even 3 lbs, it will be more than I've lost in the past 4 or 5 weeks.  I am again addicted to carbs.  Halloween candy is evil.  I don't OD on sugar, I have not had soda and don't even drink juice but my issue is more carby and fatty than sugary (as it has always been).  I am pretty sure I am eating more than I should, also.  Although it's still less than in the past, I know it's more than the 4-6 oz it should be.

Once I change my shift (December 1st), I will have a few hours in the morning where I can do some exercise.  I would like to do more toning.  I still hate cardio but it's a necessary evil.  I hate that I am back in the "diet/exercise" cycle but there is no magic bullet.  I am failing my tool and thus it's not working as it should.

All this for something (food) that's not even worth it.  It's not a special dessert, a favorite casserole, a cherished dish...it's useless, empty fast-food-crap because we are lazy and don't cook.  Or too busy (but really, there's a lot of lazy in there too).

Here's the rest of my Halloween pics:




That's me as Jean Gray for work, and then as a cat for going trick-or-treating with our son.  He is checking out my collar which has a giant bell attached to it.  And then in the last pic, he wanted to wear the tail.

In a couple days, I will be 9 months out.  Still no real changes but a couple more inches lost.  I wore size 13 pants to work today so I have met my own personal goal.  *I* would be happy here the rest of my life but I know doc still wants me to lose about 28 more pounds.  I am bouncing between 176 and 179 and yes this time it's totally my fault.  I have been running like a madwoman due to that Aldo job.  I did end up resigning (okay, quitting) yesterday.  It was a lot of fun for me but my family and my ruined house needed me more.  I have been eating terribly.  I freely admit that.  Things are just hectic and eating well is not high on my priority list.  Still, it's better than I used to be pre-op.

Aaaaanyway...
Weight: 176-ish (-99) (-3 lbs since last month)
Bust: 41" (-11")  (same)
Actual Waist: 33" (-.5", -3" since I started tracking)
"Pants" Waist: 37" (-9") (-1.5" since last month)
Hips: 42" (-13") (-1")
Calf: 15.75" (-3.25") (-.25" since last month)
Bicep: 12.5 (-3.5") (-.5")
Size: 12/13/14/Large depending on the clothes (14 is pretty much too big but the 12's are sometimes too small).  And I was measured as a 36D.  I don't remember EVER being a 36 ANYTHING let alone with a single D.

My Oh My what a difference a year makes....





That was part one of my Halloween Extravaganza.  Next I get to be a red-head on Thursday.  DH loved the Alice in Wonderland costume...once he knew what it was.  I came out of the bedroom and he goes "who are you supposed to be?"  WTF??!  LOL  So after I explained it he thought it was cool.  He was an escaped psycho, in case you weren't sure.  Hence the crazy hair.  I was supposed to have lower-heeled shoes but when I went to put them on, one was a 7 and the other was a 10.  Freaking idiots at Hot Topic.  So I ended up having to wear my nice satin 4.5" heels instead.  Thank goodness they were surprisingly comfortable, and there was plenty of seating when I needed it, heh.

On a non-halloween but still WLS-related topic...I think either I am losing weight disproportionally again or my belly is getting flabbier.  No matter what shirt I put on, I seem to have a big ol' spare-tire-lookin' thing where my midsection is supposed to go.  Even when my pants are *not* tight so it's not muffin top-induced.  It's so frustrating.  I probably blogged about this before but it's really bugging me so you get to read it twice.  Heh.  I have found, though, that wearing heels solves this problem because it changes my stance.  Now it all makes sense why women have been torturing themselves for ages.

I am all sniffly and it sucks.

It was 62 today here and that, for us, is cold.  I am sure that is shorts weather for some of you.  But for us it was chiiiiillllllyyyyyyyyy.  I had on knee boots under pants with two layered tops and a leather jacket (also too big, *cry*) and was still a bit cold in the morning when it was about 49.  I remember when I could leave the house in a light long sleeve tee and jeans and that was plenty in this weather.  Funny how we all joke about our fat being insulation but it really was!

Okay, I guess that's about it for tonight,

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling the dreaded "I don't wanna go to work" feeling.  There's nothing *wrong* with work.  It's even been a bit slow.  But I think the issue was just that due to working my part-time job this weekend I didn't really see my family.  So I put in a Leave request to have today off.  This morning, I made an omlette for myself, eggs & pancakes for my son, and a breakfast sandwich for DH.  We went to the park where son got to play for an hour.  I had intended to pack a picnic but somewhere along the line that got scrapped.  We took son to Cici's Pizza because he loves the mac & cheese pizza lol.  It was, after all, supposed to be his and DH's "special" day with me.  I popped in to GNC after that to get some Muscle Milk.  I really need to get better and back on track with my habits.  After that, we came home and son took a nap.  While he was down, I went to the Dillards outlet with my mom.  I found three really cute skirts for about 20 bucks.  Yay deals!  When I got home, we needed to take stuff to the post office.  I sold three more pairs of shoes today!  Then DH remembered his uncle is mailing him a gun (part of his inheritence from his grandparents) and there's this whole hoo-hah about regulations and whatnot (obviously) for having that done.  So we went to a sports store to ask the gun department people about what needed to be done.  Well, for dinner I had *intended* on making chilli but DH said he didn't really feel like that.  What he did want?  Sonic *sigh*  I had a very carb-loaded day.  Hence, why I need to get back on track tomorrow.  I asked if he minded if we got their stuff at Sonic and I got Bar B Q from another place but he sort of got huffy and I said nevermind. 

So now I'm home kind of vegging out and thinking about having to go to work tomorrow lol.  That's terrible isn't it?  Hopefully the week goes fast.  I would love just one day to completely depart mentally.  No laundry, no messy house, no 3 year old...just a day at a spa or something.  I don't think I would like a massage but a sugar scrub sounds nice and maybe a facial, a new hairstyle/color, a manicure...that kind of thing.  Not have to worry about a damn thing.

I must have been on crack the other day when I spelled auburn "awburn".  *Shakes head*  Not really much to update but I feel like I ought to blog *SOMEthing*.  I bought two pairs of jeans at American Eagle the other day.  Both were size 14.  I think I am still in this weird phase.  I will try to explain it...

As an obese...nay, MORBIDLY obese...person, I idealized several stores in the mall.  Basically, they were places that were A) Too expensive and B) Would never carry my size.  These included Express, American Eagle, the juniors section at Dillards, Gap, The Limited, and to an extent, Aeropostale.  Well, now that I can fit in the clothes and I can go in the stores without shame, I am realizing you just have to wait for a sale and suddenly $50 jeans are $19.50 (or less).  The problem, you say?  Maybe you could call it being a brand whore?  Or a "bought it for the label, not necessarily the fit" issue.

I said all that to say this.  I love the washes on my new AE jeans.  But they're not exactly the best fit for my body.  A 14 is a wee bit tight in the waist, causing a roll, but somewhat loose in the butt.  If I were smart, I would only buy jeans (or clothes in general) that flattered me. 

(Am I making any sense at all?  It makes sense in my head)

I am firmly between a 12 and a 14 right now and it is driving me crazy.  14's look like baggy saggy butt and I am constantly pulling them up even with a belt.  12's cause a massive muffin top and I am disgusted to look in the mirror.  I will not wear them unless I have a flowy top on that hides it.  Short of constantly wearing shapewear, I don't know what else to do.  And I hate shapewear because it either rolls down, rides up, or causes a weird dent where it ends.

On a completely non-related note, I was at Express today and saw this awesome zebra-print short trench in a fit/flare style that almost looked like a dress.  It was a medium.  I've been wanting it since it came out but it was $168.  I don't think so.  I like in Florida, after all.  Well, it's marked down to $100 and they had an extra 30% off clearance.  Still, $70 for a coat in Florida...I wanted it SO badly and it was SO flattering.  But I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I have a leather jacket from 6 years ago that I bought myself (layway and all).  I was so proud of it when I could fit into it (sz XL).  I put it on the other day and almost cried.  It swallows me whole.  I guess I will make due (or is it do?) for now.  They have closed all the Wilson's Leather stores in Jax so I can't get another.  And how do you get rid of a leather jacket and get more than 20 bucks?  I mean, it was $189 new and I've barely worn it.

Sorry, I went on a tangent.  I will think about the coat until Thursday when I go back to the mall.  If it's still there (and the clearance is on an additional sale) I might get it.  Hmmm...I'm still on the tangent...

I got my Halloween costume today!  Just in case DH ever finds his way over here I'm still not posting what it is.  But it's soooooooooooo cute!  I got the costume and a petticoat.  It's not too short, it actually zipped up easily, and it makes me look hot.  I am still waiting for the wig though.  The thigh-hi's do funny things to my loose skin and I'm not yet certain if I'm going to wear them with the costume.  We have a party on the 25th which I am going to wear this costume for.  On the 30th at work, my team is doing a group effort as the X-Men.  I am going to wear a black turleneck, dark skinny jeans, the boots below, and an awburn wig.  I am supposed to be Jean Gray.

They're doing the 30th because apparently a lot of people at work have 1/2 days on Friday.  *shrug*.  So on Friday, I'm going to wear a black v-neck, gray jeans, the boots above, and a black/wine short wig that I bought in error but can't return, and then add cat ears and a tail.  I love cats.  I also have a giant collar with a bell though we'll see how long that lasts before it annoys me.  And on Friday when I get home, we're taking our son trick-or-treating so I'll probably change back in to my super secret costume.  Of course, tons of pics will be taken hehe

I forgot to post my measurements for 8 months out...
Weight: 179 (-96) (-9 lbs since last month)
Bust: 41" (-11")  (-1 from last month)
Actual Waist: 33.5" (-same, -2.5 since I started tracking)
"Pants" Waist: 38.5" (-7.5") (same)
Hips: 43" (-12") (same)
Calf: 16 (-3") (same)
Bicep: 13 (-3") (same)
Size: 12/13/14/Large depending on the clothes

So, this month I lost pounds but not inches.  Weird how that goes.

That title just dounds all kinds of gross, doesn't it??!  Anyway, I thought I'd dumped before but I was wrong.  That was just too much fat from the cheesecake.  Last night, DH got me a Smirnoff Ice.  I sipped on it and finished maybe 1/3 of it over 2 hours.  Maybe an hour later I went to bed and was watching TV.  30 minutes into it I started feeling dizzy and then broke into a sweat.  I knew immediately this must be what dumping was.  I told DH what was going on and to just check on me periodically.  I could barely speak.  It felt like the morning of surgery when I blacked out a little bit but then it was my vagus nerve (so says my mom and I am inclined to agree).  I was very hot, sweaty, dizzy, couldn't concentrate, and had to stay lying down.  I fell asleep very quickly. 

I always thought if you were going to dump, it as pretty immediate after you had whatever it was, not 3 hours later?  I'd had Smirnoff Ice before and was fine.  Like I said it was such a small amount too.  Very strange.  Not something I care to re-live.

Hahahaha someone said "fresh to death" the other day at work and now it's been stuck in my head ever since.  I love my job, have I mentioned that lately?  I have some awesome co-workers who keep me engaged but also laughing all day.  On Friday, the owners had Moe's catered for us so we were all happy and whatnot.  We did the birthdays and new hire introductions and then the owners did a little skit regarding a gas card.  I thought they were going to raffle it off or something.  But no, EVERYONE got a gas card.  Make that a $200 gas card.  Holy wow!  There was some extra money in the budget so we were all blessed with free gas (woot!).  We were making jokes all afternoon about walking in the store and asking for 100 bags of chips and 30 hot dog combos with Icees.

Friday night I had to exchange some shoes at Aldo.  For whatever reason we don't get many 41's (10/11) in the store so I have to buy my shoes online then repurchase them at my employee rate.  The problem is, I can't try them on first.  Anyway long story short, I exchanged some for the awesome brown boots I am wearing in my new avatar/pic/whatever in addition to a couple others.  I have never owned boots that you actually pulled over your calves with no elastic (made of real leather, no less).  I am in lust with them.  They have buckles on the side and a 2" heel that you can actually walk in.

I don't know what got in to me but I decided I needed a pair of skinny jeans.  Yes, the same wretched, torturous inventions I once cursed as fashion's cruel joke on the rest of us.  We went to Old Navy and I got a pair I really wasn't thrilled with but I thought I'd settle.  Then we passed Express and my curiosity got the better of me.  I found the pair I'm wearing in the pic and an identical pair in a lighter wash on clearance.  25 bucks for both.  Huzzah!  You can bet I returned the Old Navy ones!  So baby got her first pair of (size 12) skinny jeans.  I'm sorry, that just floors me.  It's like, beyond comprehension.  The top is one I bought from the Guess clearance rack a few months ago that now fits.  The back is criss/cross with gold chains.  It's so cute.  I was supposed to work at Aldo tonight but they cancelled me so I was all dressed up for nothing and I made Gary take a pic lol.  I have no idea what kind of pose that is supposed to be though.

Gary is recovering alright but has a lot of pain (poor baby).  I feel useless because there's nothing I can do for him.

Brandon is excited about Halloween this year.  He has his Diego costume and can't wait to wear it.  Gary got some random escaped lunatic orange jumpsuit thing to go with his hockey-mask-looking cast.  I have my costume purchased and on the way but it's a surprise for Gary (no, not a nurse).  I LOVE Halloween, though, and can't wait to dress up and take B around Mom's neighborhood with G.  They're still wanting to do the X-Men thing at work (though it looks like it's just gonna be us 3 girls now) and I was TOLD I was gonna be Jean Gray lol.  I think I'm gonna wear my new jeans, a black turtleneck, black knee-boots with buckles (if I can get them over the jeans) and a red wig I got today.

Not too much else to update today.  I am enjoying my 3-day weekend (yay, Federal holidays!) for now.

Or rather, she found me.  My friend I blogged about before.  We're reunited and it feels soooo good!  Hahahaha j/k.  But yeah, I just had to blog that.  I am hyper right now.

I LOOOOOVE Halloween!  At work, they want to do a X-Men thing.  No one sells X-Men costumes this year.  Bitches.  I was told that I have to be Jean Gray which is fine but I have nothing really to wear.  My son is finally of an age where he's getting excited about dressing up and stuff.  So my husband and I are going to take him trick or treating this year.  DH got an escaped psycho type costume and son got Diego (Go Diego etc etc).  I have NEVER been able to get a sexy costume so I was really looking forward to this year.  They didn't have anything in the store so I started looking when I got home.  I really like this Eskimo costume but I just can't justify the cost if we're not even going to a party or anything you know?  There was a cute nurse costume but the reviews said it ran big (too bog for me, that's a new, crazy thing to deal with).  Then I remembered I still have my uniform skirt from high school (I went to a Catholic school).  I always hated the skinny bitches who wore their skirts short with the cheerleader-pleats.  So now I'm having it altered to look like that hahahahahahaha!  I have a white button-up blouse and then I'm going to get the stripper-saddle-oxford shoes and some knee-socks.  I mean, it's not what I'd envisioned for this year...I wanted to BUY my costume you know?  Maybe it's a mental thing.  I could probably buy a pin-up wig and wear my gingham dress if I wanted to LOL.  That would be pretty cute now that I think of it.  *shrug*

Anyway, that's all I had to update.  Oh, and I'm 179 for the first time ever *gasp*

As I was at my doc's office for my 8 month checkup, I realized it has been exactly one year since I first attended his info session.  You can even see my blog from that day lol.  I was morbidly obese, sad, with no self-esteem, and depressed.  I felt guilty, ashamed, and so tired all the time.  Fast forward one year (that has felt like so much less).  I am still considered "overweight" but I'm the smallest I have ever been in my adult life.  I have energy (unless I have worked both jobs that day), I am proud of my body, I love the clothes I own and wear.  I very rarely feel guilty when I eat and am not ashamed to eat in front of others.  This has been by far the most amazing journey I've been on.  I just look in the mirror and wonder who in the hell I even am sometimes.  My thighs can't possibly be that small!  My waist never nipped in there before!  Know what I mean?

When I saw Dr Y today he was proud because I'd lost 12 lbs since my last visit.  It cracked me up inside because I haven't done a damn thing differently other than taking another job that requires physical activity.  My body has a mind of its own.  Remember those two months where I lost inches but not weight?  I think this month I lost weight but not inches.  I'll measure Sunday for sure.

I want to get a family pic done because the last (and only) one we did was 3.5 years ago.  The last pic I took with DH was from our honeymoon 2 years ago.  I think that would be a nice thing to get done this month or next (depending how DH feels about his arm).

I'm out for now.  Have a great weekend!

So, my retail job is kind of better than a gym membership.  I have to squat all the time to get stuff, stand/walk for 3-4 hours, and then mop/vacuum/straighten each night before closing.  My hamstrings are killing me (in a good way like a I Worked Out kind of way).  I am BEAT.  Sorry for the short post but I gots to get to bed!

Look!  Look!  Updated pics!  It's almost time for 8-month pics but oh well.  I had a good excuse.  Anyway, YAY size 12!  Updated SPECIFICALLY for Tricia hehehehe.

DH is doing well.  He's my little gimp now.  Gina D said I need a naughty nurse costume now LOL.  I bought him a bunch of elastic-waist bottoms since he typically lives in jeans and those are two-hand operations.  I had to go to Sally Beauty Supply and Target to make the house gimp-accessible.  I got pumps for the shampoo and conditioner, a pump bottle to put his body wash in, and the old school AquaFresh pump toothpaste for him.  Poor thing, he's sitting here doing Lamaze breathing until his next pain pill dose.  I think I got off easy in the pain department with my surgery.  I took liquid Loratab for about 3 days and then Tylenol for another 4 or so and then I was fine.  He's been like this since Wednesday and still has so much longer to go.

I think I've been doing a good job of staying level-headed through all this.  I've got all the chores now, pretty much all the child-care when I'm not working (and THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU x's 1000 to my FANTASTIC trooper of a mom who has been an immense help), all the nursing duties, the help to bathe/feed/etc whenever he needs help...I think in the past I'd be feeling like crap now but I'm doing okay so far.  I can't imagine how I'd be managing this 90lbs heavier with no energy.

So, I'll wrap this up now.  I know there's more I'd like to say but I'm pretty tired and I think I'm gonna go lay down now.

DH's surgery went well.  In fact, he's siting here running his mouth non-stop on the phone right now.  It's like he didn't have surgery at all.  LOL

My darling, beloved husband decided last night to go rollerblading with his friend.  My dear, sweet man lost his balance and fell through a plate glass window.  He ended up severing in olner (sp?) nerve and one tendon from what we can tell.  The phone rang at 1:44am and you know it's never good when the phone rings at that time.  And then you freak when you see it's the hospital.  The nurse told me he was stabilized but they were stitching him up.  It took another three hours before they called me back to come and get him so at 4:45 I went up there with Brandon.  He was still wearing his jeans and tennis shoes (soaked in blood) but no shirt (he'd used it as a tourniquette).  He'd been bleeding pretty bad and managed to drive himself to the ER (nearly passing out).

So when I got there I got queasy immediately.  I don't do well with blood.  They finished up his bandaging and I brought him home.  I went to fetch his pain meds, and then came back to sleep about 2 hours off and on.  We then had to go to the hand surgeon and have them look at it and schedule him.  He has surgery Friday to repair the damage and hopefully he'll regain sensation in his pinky.  The bright side of all this is that he DIDN'T bleed out/pass out in the car, and it was his left arm. 

As for me, I came down with the classic fever/sore throat/headache combo last night before I went to bed so today has been quite draining, mentally and physically.  If you do the prayer thing, please keep him in mind on Friday for his surgery.  He'll probably be out of work for 2 months (thank goodness for Disability insurance).  I don't know that I'll be updating a whole lot for the next few weeks.  Just wanted to let y'all know what was up.  I lost another 2lbs though LOL

There is now a garment in my closet with a "12" on the tag.  That has not happened since I literally was 12 years old.  I was at Dillard with my mom today and we saw this one little lonely (albeit adorable) black and white gingham print dress on a clearance rack.  30 bucks.  Dang, size 12.  Well, I tried it on anyway and not only does it fit, it's SOOOOO CUTE!  I promise I will get DH to take a pic soon.  It's so retro pin-up-girl and I lurve it.  I just had to brag about that one.  Also, my scale shows 186 today so I'm claiming that.  That's it for me tonight.  See y'all

Just for you, SweetPea:  I got the job at Aldo today.  My first day is Sunday and I get a 50% discount.  Woohoo!

I had a couple wow moments this week.  Yesterday I tucked in my shirt.  I haven't voluntarily done that since I was a child.  My belly still pooches a little bit but not terribly and I was happy with how I looked.  My second wow was today.  I wore a turtleneck tee which I haven't done in ages either.  I was always concerned about the double chin issue but today I just thought I looked really cute.  Yay!  My third wow was yesterday when I was at work.  I work with a lot of guys, computer geeks, but nice guys.  I am the youngest and am kind of like the little sister.  Anyway, one of the guys was frustrated and said the classic "I'm gonna kill someone" and I said "As long as it's not me."  He said "No I wouldn't kill you, you're cute and you're helpful"  I said "Awwww thank you Eric!"  I'm so not used to guys saying I'm cute lol.  Except for my dear husband, of course.  And today the scale claimed I was 185.  Gonna wait for tomorrow and see if it holds before I "claim" it.

I guess that's about it for me for now.  I'll check in with y'all soon