I cannot believe I have gone this long without posting.  I wish I had a fun excuse but apparently time has just been passing too quickly.  Things are going along.  My weight fluctuates from about 150-153 and I am very happy with that.  I let a few holiday baked items get the best of me last month but I feel back on track now.  I also was really busy and kind of slacked off at the gym.  I have had a wicked cold this week but as soon as I feel better I am going to get back at it.  Hopefully it won't be ridiculously overcrowded with new years resolutioners!

I wish I could stop having bad things to report but unfortunately my luck isn't changing yet.  I got laid off today.  It was totally unexpected and I am in shock.  My company is a small biotech startup and there are only 9 of us, 5 of which are being laid off.  I really like this job so I am super disappointed.  Also, to make timing impeccable I had an appointment with my realtor today to make an offer on a house I was hoping to buy.  Just when I was feeling secure about my finances and excited for things to come this news had to go throw my whole world upside down.  I'm sure I'll find a new decent job but I'm not sure I'll find one I like as much and it just sucks.  Also right now I work with the guy I am hopelessly in love with.  He is going through a divorce and it's all very complicated and it is hard for us to spend time together outside of work so I like at least knowing I can see him at work every day and have lunch with him.  It is stupid that I am even worrying about this now but I fear that if I don't see him at work we will never see each other and he will forget all about me and I will be so heartbroken if that happens.  I know that sounds ridiculously insecure but sometimes I am ridiculously insecure.  So that's my story for today.  My crappy day. :(

I am going to try to be honest with myself here....

One year ago at this time I was lying groggy in my hospital room wondering what the hell I just put myself through.  I was wearing a size 18/20 and weighed about 250 pounds.  I was uncomfortable all the time, physically, emotionally and socially.  It hurt to walk more than a block or two and it was so uncomfortable just getting in and out of my car.  My biggest fear was not death or complications, but that I would fail at this.  I was sad and lonely and absolutely despised the way I looked.  I felt like this surgery was my last hope to finding confidence and happiness.

Today I am wearing a size 6 and weigh 152.8 pounds.  So much has changed, yet at the same time so little.  I didn't fail.  I am actually a great success story losing 99.8% of my excess weight.  I had my 1 year follow up with my surgeon last week and they even asked me to be on the cover of their weight loss surgery magazine.  I was flattered but said no because I am still so embarrassed about how I looked before and would never want to "go public" with that.  Today I feel pretty.  I am confident about how I look and no longer feel like my weight is the big white elephant in the room.  I have so much more confidence physically, and somewhat socially, but still not emotionally.  I am still sad and lonely.  I know a lot of people go through this but when I was fat and single I blamed it on being fat.  Now I am thin and pretty and still single, so is it me?  Is it something about my personality or something else?  People who have known me throughout this journey always say to me "oh the guys must be all over you now."  I wish they were but they are not!  Yes I get a few more looks and comments but I still can't find what I'm looking for.  My social life has really dwindled with a lot of friends moving or settling down with their partners and I feel more alone than ever.  I am so proud of my progress over the last year, I just really wish I felt happier about it! 

Back up to 154.4 this week.  That still keeps me in the century club but just barely!!  I could blame it on normal fluctuations but the more likely cause is the ridiculous amount of halloween candy I consumed this week.  Sometimes I really wish I dumped.  I can eat almost anything, and way too much of it.  I try not to stress because for the most part I eat the right things and I am so happy with my weight loss overall, but I know I need to kick these bad habits to the curb sooner rather than later.  I have been so good at the gym though and I am really proud of myself for that.  I am starting to see some real definition in my arms and legs and I know I am much stronger.  I am doing a lot of ab work but I don't think I'll ever be able to see any results of that through the chub and extra skin I have on my stomach.

Not else much to say... I hate today because we switched the clocks back last night which means it will be dark sooooo early this afternoon.  I hate hate hate winter.  I don't even mind the cold and snow so much but I hate the lack of sunlight.  And it's only just the beginning. :(

Last week I weighed in at 155 and this week at 153.6.  My highest weight ever was 255 so I am now officially down over 100 pounds!!!!  I am always worried to record something one week since my weight is fluctuating up and down a couple pounds lately but two weeks in a row makes it real.  I never thought I would lose this much weight.  I was soooo afraid of failure so I think I psyched myself up to be happy with getting down to the 170s or 160s.  But here I am in the low 150s and loving it.  I can shop anywhere and I have so much more confidence in so many aspects of my life.  I can't believe I have lost 100 pounds!!!!!!

I am soooooo close to 100 pounds lost!!!  I weighed in at 155.2 this morning.  Then I went and did the Making Strides for Breast Cancer Walk, walked 5.7 miles and then another 2 at least around Boston.  I weighed myself again when I got home hoping all that walking shaved off .2 pounds but no such luck yet.  I'll get there, just need a little patience!!!