first day was great! Then the spinal block wore off! lol 2nd day was crappy, yesterday was better and  today is better. I am sore from the incisions and getting use to the whole not eating thing hahaha!! but i keep looking at pictures of Britney Spears body from 5 years ago and that helps!!:)I will be skinny!!

Well we made it down to Mexicalli. The Hospital is Gorgeous!! The People are soo nice! I could not believe I got in at 12:30 and by 1:30 had all my pre-ops done!!! Blood, Urine, Lung and EKG! In AMerica it would have taken 5 days!!lol. I am in a great mood and soo excited. We orded Mass amounts of room service and are relaxing in the room!We meet with the Doc at 7:30pm to discuss the surgery and leave at 7am tommorow morning! Wahoo! (can you tell I am excited??)  I have NO ANXIETY! I am raring to go, see you on the other side! :)

Well in a bout 6 hours I start my voyage! My trip to a better body!! Wahoo!. i am very very excited!I don't know how I will feel when they are wheeling me in, haha !! I will just make sure I am all drugged up and I dont get anxiety.omg...........I am not nervous. I am more nervous about packing to go to vegas for the weekend. I am not freaking about what I should and should not bring. I am just throwing clothes into a luggage lol. Eh figure I may end up in a gown anyway. No problem!!I have no emotion, I am not scared, nervous,. I think it is because I have wanted this the whole time and fought so hard for it, excitement this it is finally here, almost gives me a peace. :) Another thing is, I am so positive that nothing is going to happen, I have not given anything in writing as to how my Son would be taken care of, if something happened to daniel . But i cant think about that, i cant think about dying. Doesnt do any good and I woulnt know If was gone anyway. This is 100% my choice (with an amazing husband as support)  so if anything were to happen to me, I would be happyier dying, TRYING to get healthy., then getting hit by a car in rushhour traffic.anyway rambling, tired...tommorow pre-ops.........

Ok, this is weird and out of the blue but I am going to blog here. Today. I am approx 5 weeks away from my surgery and I need to get some things in writing before I enter this journey. I started writing on paper and I thought, wait I am going to get this online. foolish, maybe, but true to my thoughts and feelings. Yes, i did have a couple of glasses of champagne, but it may be my last for a while, haha. anyway.
I have to type this now. pre-surgery. it is kind of like pre-baby. you will only understand if you have had a baby, those feelings you get after you have given birth.those sad/happy feelings you get when you finally have your baby in your hands, but for some reason you are horribly depressed and sad.I know. and I mean I know. that I will and intend on feeling upset after I have this surgery. It will be be my "baby blues" persay. (is that spelled right?) anyway haha, i know that i will sit back about 2 weeks out and say "OMG, why did i do this? why did I cut all of my stomach out??? it is insane!" but I also know there will be an inner peace inside of me that has a sanity to it. don't understand? well then you are not overweight, and or obese, and or have never been. haha.
anyway I am rambling, I know it is the champagne, but i am un-inhibited right now so i am running with it.
ok, so back to what i was saying. in approx 5 weeks my life is going to change. for the good. for the amazing. for the better. but with every change there is something crappy that comes along with it.
i have spent my whole life watching what i eat. being the "chunky girl". being the "friend". well until i hit 19, when i was on one of my weight loss success's and became the "girl", but that only weirded me out and made me feel ungrateful for the weight loss and wishing i could hide behind my old navy size 16 pants. now I am old navy size tight 18, slash good 20. I dont want to be a 20.
I dont want to be a 16. I would be happy with a 10. a 4 sounds fun too. but only because those are just little numbers to me, little numbers that I never felt like I would get to. but what if I do? what if I get down to a 4?? i cant even fathom going into a store and buying a size that isnt two numbers. since i was 10 years old I always had two numbers next to my clothing.
ok, I am side-tracked. I need to focus. first thing first. why? why am i doing this? well starters my health. if i said that I would be lying though,. i want to be skinny. i want to look good. I want to be the girl guys like because I am thin, not because I am 250 but have good cleavage and make them laugh. it really doesnt matter though because I am very happily married, but i still want the looks. i still want the stares. i still want to have  a waist. i want to feel hot and sexy as a woman. not a wife and mother, but as a woman.I am 26 and i want to be hot and 26. not fat and 26.
ok, now shift to health. because it as good a reason as any right? well, i dont want to be diabetic in 5 years. I dont want to be 300 pounds in 5 years either. I have pcos, i have fibromyalgia and I have sleep apnea. but i don't want to continue to gain weight and continue to progress in these diseases and then hate life even more in 5 years. let me correct myself, i don't have life, in any way. but i do hate not knowing if I am going to fit in the airline seat, or if I am not going to wear the same shirt I wore the month before, or whether I will feel guilty eating a piece of cake at a wedding and wondering if everyone is thinking "uh, she should skip the cake"....how sad. anyway. i think i overcompensate for my personality because of my weight. i try too hard. i think, maybe if i make them laugh then they will think i am like everyone else. maybe if i act sexy, they will think i am sexy. but i want to be sexy in my own skin, and let me confirm, that I am very confident. dont think that because i am spilling it here I am getting the surgery to feel better about myself, because i honestly could live forever in this body and be fine. but then i think. why? why would I? i am always on a diet. i am always fighting the inner demons of weight loss. it is dumb and getting old.
Am i scared of the side effects? not really. am  i scared of long term effects?....a little but not enough to stop me. Am i scared that I will b e thin and feel like I am still fat? a little.
i know that in about 7 weeks I will say "why did you have this permanently done? why couldnt you have just starved yourself like everyone else?" but I also know that in about 9 weeks I am going to know that this was the best thing I have ever done for myself and the best choice I have ever made.
I suppose if I start blogging now I will fight these demons now, so that in about 5 weeks I will be positive that there was no other choice and those "baby blues" will fade just like the "baby blues" after my beautiful son was born. until then..............