Well, it's officially been a year - and what a year it's been.  Changes beyond what I ever could have imagined, and more than just on the scale.  Surgery was much tougher emotionally than I anticipated because I really was quite in denial about how much I was eating and what my triggers were.  Thankfully, with persevearance and a great counselor, I've learned a tremendous amount of information about myself, about nutrition, and about what's truly important to me.

Ninety two pounds down.  Fourteen to go, and I'm not in a rush.  Gonna take a lot of work on the treadmill - but I'll get there.

Lots going through my mind right now - coping with my own mortality after a life threatening bowel obstruction earlier this month has been really tough.  It put my priorities back where they need to be, but it's made me SO incredibly vulnerable.  Also, my husband is having a tough time with my sagging skin.  It's not that bad, and in truth, it's HIS issue - but it still stings quite a bit.  I wasn't attractive to him when I was fat, and though he reassures me that he loves me - how am I supposed to feel when he finds the majority of my body unattractive?   So...got some thinking and growing to do on that subject.  He's a good man, and I'm glad he's honest - but really, I think that this is an issue HE needs to be talking to a counselor about.  I don't know.  We'll see.

This forum has been a godsend of support and information, and I've made a few true friends I wish I could see more of offline!  Ladies, you've been amazing and you know who you are!

Many heartfelt thanks to all my OH friends - as well as those who provide entertainment, and those who offer differing opinions which I've always valued as a way to expand my horizons.

Nikki

179

Guess the crappy hospital food combined with moving inner guts did me some good.  That's right - I am officially in the 170's  (just barely)  but still too hopped up on Vicodin to truly celebrate.

Nausea and headache kicked in - could be morphine withdrawal combined with caffeine withdrawal to double the pain, I don't know.  I'm gonna make some coffee and see if that gets rid of the headache for now then talk to the doctor about a better way to detox.

179 - that makes less than 20 pounds to goal, and I'm thinking I'd really like to get there......HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?

Post Date: 11/5/08 8:30 am
Monday night seemed to end perfectly - a good dinner, some light housecleaning that made my home feel happy, and a massage by Miracle Hands Will that quite simply - put me on a could of happiness.

Came home - went to bed - work up an hour and a half later with the most intense pain I've had in my life.  Now I went through something similar on Saturday night, only not as paiful and I just wrote it off to gas or something.  But Monday night - dear Lord - I tried belching, I tried vomiting (though I hadn't eaten in 8 hours), I tried laying down - but my body went immediately into a state of panic.

The pain was so bad I couldn't stand, so I crawled to my husband's room and woke him up.  Startled him pretty good actually, which was great because as soon as I said, "I need to go to the E.R." he was already awake enough to throw sweats on and help me to the car.

Three minutes later we were there (yes, its a fifteen minute drive in GOOD traffic - you do the math) and they couldn't figure out what was wrong.  Did X-rays - got some morphine - kept telling them NO, YOU MAY NOT PUT AN NG TUBE IN.  (To be fair, it took them 3 tries to get an IV).    They wanted to do a CAT scan but I couldn't keep the contract down for the CatScan, so they wouldn't do it.  I'd get close to finishing after an hour of sipping only to throw it up as soon as they arrived to wheel me to CatScan.  They finally did it without a full dose of contrast - verifying the bowel obstruction/hernia thing.

I don't remember much after that - the doctor came in, said ther was a bowel obstruction and a hernia that was cutting off blood flow and that I needed immediate surgery.  They put me into an ambulance (probably wise, since my hubby was freaking out now) and transferred me uptown to my surgeon's hospital.  Locked my purse up, slapped a new gown on me and literally took me straight to the OR to a waiting Dr. Melkonian (Dr. Lowe's partner)

.Am home home now - they released me after 26 hours of observation - but still can't leave the house, drive, or lift anything.  It's very weird - this was one of the only things I honestly feared after reading though the stories on the board - and yet, I never thought to ask anyone what the symptoms were, so it was terrifying.  I KNEW something big was wrong - I just didin't know what.

Anyway - enough drama.  I feel very blessed and am happy to be home - I'm sad Damian had to cancel his annual fishing trip "with the guys" to stay home with me.  (Believe me, I TRIED to get him to go anyway so I can start working on my Christmas cards without being mocked)

I think that's the whole sordid story - I'll be honest, I don't feel like I've just been through a life threatening experience even though everyone keeps saying how lucky I am. 

Today I hate my life.   It doesn't happen very often, but I seem to have used up all of my luck and charm early on in life.

I spend most of my time alone - girlfriends have moved away, husband works ungodly hours and when we are scheduled to hang out, he usually comes up with an excuse not to, work is rough, our first house offer in an eternity fell through even though we accepted it - it just seems to rain down like hail from hell when it comes and today I'm not dealing with it very well.

Last night I was ready to pack my car, quit my job, and move to Califronia to start over.  I've done it before - I could easily leave all my "stuff" behind - but I know that's not the way to handle it.

I'm okay - just felt a little like ranting and perhaps admitting that even *I* have days of loneliness and depression and vulnerability.  They don't usually last long - but OH MY GOD THEY SUCK.  Without food to drown my sorrows in, sometimes I forget how to deal with things like a rational, normal, healthy adult.

Blah. 

Stepped on the scale this morning after a weekend of partying only to find the scale at it's lowest point to date - 183.4 or something like that.  Since I've been focusing yesterday on liquids, soft foods and proteins until my cranky tummy starts acting normally, it was more than a pleasant surprise - it was a freaking miracle.

I'm really dedicated to seeing a "7" on the scale.   I'm happy at this weight, but the truth is - it's laziness that keeps me here and I'd very VERY much like to see a "7" in that second column.  It's only 4 pounds away now - so we're talking a couple weeks of being uber diligent - then who knows?  Maybe we'll keep going and shoot for the "6" of goal.

It was awesome seeing Tracy and Christine here last week - albeit their visit timed perfectly with the most stressful week I've had all summer.  Still - there is such power in the bond of girlfriends - and I've missed that "gal pal" bonding time more than anything since Beth, Jen and Heidi all moved out of Charlotte.

The journey continues - and every day I'm learning more about myself and who I want to be.  It's a constant process - a continual improvement - and a true blessing.