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Question
My best friend is considering weight loss surgery because my surgery was so successful. Why do I feel so jealous? - Michelle
Answer
Michelle,
For most of us, particularly when our weight loss surgery has been successful, it is a very special thing to encourage others that we care about to make a similar health- and life-changing choice. That’s why it can feel so jarring and confusing when feelings of jealousy enter the picture. Be assured, the feelings are not unusual. You didn’t mention how far out from the surgery you are, and that may make a difference, but, that said, there may be a number of reasons for these feelings.
Perhaps for you, weight loss surgery has felt like a very special and almost unique gift. Remember a time as a kid when you had something very special that your best friend wanted a part of. Remember the feeling of “It’s MINE—and you can’t have it!” That may give you some ideas about what is happening now. It didn’t mean that you were selfish, but it did mean that what you had was very special for you. Well, this may be a similar “mine” feeling.
Perhaps there is something about your success that has made you feel different and unique, that has made you stand out and get attention. Particularly in the beginning, when all of that encouragement is really important to compliance and new life changes, it’s a normal reaction to want to remain in that special position and not want to share the “limelight” with your best friend. After all, there were so many years you may have stayed in the shadows and now is your time to shine. So, not really wanting to share that position—including feelings of jealousy—isn’t really unusual.
Maybe even more important are the feelings of competition that we as women all share. What if your best friend is even more successful than you were? What if she loses more weight, becomes healthier than you, begins a significant relationship, becomes the center of your group’s attention? What if you regain weight and she doesn’t? All of these things are possible, and, for almost everyone, those feelings of competition could cause jealousy. All of this said, your feelings don’t mean that you are a bad person or even a bad friend. The feelings of wanting exclusivity with your surgery as well as feelings of completion exist for most of us.
For now, try to put the feelings aside. Share with your friend the good, bad and ugly of the surgery so that she can make the most informed and best decision for her. Remember how important support was to you after surgery. She will need your friendship, and, as the years pass, you may also need her support during the difficult post-surgical times that may occur in the future. For all of us, support is one of the keys to long-term success. If she chooses surgery, you will be in a wonderful position to support each other on the journey, leading to more successful forever health and deepening friendship.
Merle Cantor Goldberg, LCSW, DSCW, CEDS
Psychotherapist
Question
How much exercise a day is considered adequate for a beginner? I weigh 360 pounds and find walking painful, so it’s hard to keep going after a few minutes. - Kathy
Answer
Kathy,
Even beginners will have different abilities and limitations, so the answer to this question will vary from case to case. In your case, performing small amounts of exercise each day is a great place to start, while also keeping in mind that exercise is cumulative. In other words, it is not necessary to perform all of your exercise in a single session.
Instead, you can perform multiple shorter sessions each day and get the same benefits. Maybe you can comfortably walk 30-60 seconds at a time; that is fine. Just start by doing this two or three times a day and each week make small increases in either the number of sessions you perform each day or the duration of each session.
Something else to consider is the form of exercise you participate in. Since you mentioned that walking causes pain, you may want to perform an alternative form of exercise such as water aerobics (if you have access), recumbent biking, seated resistance training or one of a variety of other exercise choices that do not require you to stand supporting your entire body weight with your feet.
Perhaps that most important thing of all is to find something you enjoy. If you dread participating in the form of physical activity you have chosen, your chances of continuing are pretty slim. If you can find something you enjoy, it will go a long way for long-term success.
Jeremy Gentles, CSCS
Fitness Expert
Remember, while the professionals contributing to Ask OH are highly skilled and well-qualified in their fields, they don’t know all of the details of your personal situation. OH Magazine and the professionals contributing to Ask OH make no promises, guarantees, representations or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein. Discuss the answers you receive and any further questions you may have with your personal healthcare team.
